First of all, let me apologize to my church and all my teachers throughout the years. After I preached this message about which I was so passionate, my wife told me just before I went to bed that I had made a mistake. In my haste, I referred to King Xerxes (Ahasuerus) when I should have referred to King Artaxerxes. My kings were off by a few years. And since I mentioned that only in passing as background information, I wasn't giving his name a great deal of thought. It makes me thankful to God for a wife who is truly like the Bereans -- she searches the Scriptures for herself (instead of just believing every word that comes out of her husband's quickly-going-senile mouth). So kudos to her for correcting me and shame on anyone else who didn't catch it. We need to all be like the Bereans. (I will be posting a corrected MP3 and MP4 file so that my mistake doesn't live on in perpetuity.)
Several years ago, I was in Chicago visiting a ministry that has helped to promote home education. The director of the curriculum department pulled me aside into a conference room and said, "We want to know how have raised a son like Richard. Home schooling families are doing a good job of raising godly daughters. But it seems like they are failing in raising godly sons." At the time, my son Richard was 15. I really couldn't think of much to tell them other than the fact that the grace of God had made up for a lot of my failures as a Dad. As a homeschooling family we have not been the best at maintaining a regular schedule, always having regular devotionals, or anything else that model familes are supposed to be doing. Yet in spite of all that, my children all know Christ. All are serving Him in the local church. My son Richard is now 23, married to a wonderful young lady, and has a beautiful daughter. He finished college in 22 months at the age of 20. He has been in the work force since graduating high school and now has job as a database expert with a respectable salary and benefits. Additionally, he is teaching the Family Integrated Bible Study at our church. If you listen to his series on the Divided Kingdom or his current series on the Warrior Poet, you will realize that this young man has keen insights into God's Word -- far beyond what the average seminary graduate seems to have. Our pastor and I plan to ordain Richard later this year as he is not a novice -- and has successfully given proof of the fact that he is God-called into the ministry. My eldest daughter is a wonderful wife and mother and married a loyal and godly man. My other children give evidence of a heart for serving Christ. As a Dad, my children are such a blessing, encouragement, and challenge to me. But I have wondered for a long time how they could turn out so well without a more disiciplined or rigorous schedule.
That question continued to nag me until this last week. Six years after I was first asked this question, I believe I have the answer to the question.
There is a 3-legged stool on which effective parenting rests. Knock out any one of the legs and you have a disaster.
The most important thing you will ever teach your children is REVERENCE (fear of the Lord). The fear of the Lord is the beginning of both wisdom and knowledge. If they have those two things, they can handle anything that life throws at them. This audio / video sermon is about this first leg of the stool. When I teach my children reverence, I am ministering to them SPIRITUALLY.
The greatest challenge you will face with your children is the challenge to keep their hearts. I preached extensively about this in the series "Battles of the Soul" which is on this web site. God gave me 5 key areas in this study and five questions to ask a child to ascertain whether you are losing their heart. When I am not traveling, I take a different child out on a date each week. While having a good time and just listening to them, I also use variations of these five questions as a "checkup" to determine if the enemy is trying to damage their soul. When I talk to my children about the things important to them and ask the 5 key questions to look for enemies of their souls, I am ministering to their soul (Greek word 'psuche") or PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
The greatest thing you will ever do for your children is to love them. By loving them, I mean hugging them, playing with them, doing things together with them. In other words, there is no substitute for your physical presence. One of the challenges of my life and ministry has been that I travel a good deal. So I've had to "be there" in other ways sometimes. Recently my 19-year-old daughter Faith was in Taiwan doing mission work. There was no way for me to be physically present. But with Skype on my Kindle and on her PC, we were able to have face-to-face chats for about 2/3 of the days she was there. It was important for her to see her family. Toward the end of her journey, she told me she couldn't wait to just be home and cuddle next to me. I felt the same way. If I'm seated on the couch, there is a child next to me. If I'm walking from the van into a restaurant, I have my arms around at least 2 of my children. Dads, the greatest thing you'll ever do for your kids is to love your wife and love your kids. Hug on them, play with them, wrestle with them in the floor (when appropriate), and just be with them. When I spend time with my children, I am ministering to them PHYSICALLY.
As I look back on the last quarter century of parenting, I can tell you that I wasn't always consistent in family devotionals. I've never been great at enforcing a family schedule. We tend to be incredibly FLEXIBLE but not at all organized. I still want to improve in those areas.
But my children have told me that my wife and I have done a good job at teaching them the fear of the Lord. I showed them the consequences of not obeying God. I've shared my own failures and how those caused me to forfeit blessings. We have also given God credit for all the good in our lives. We stressed to them to honor God, honor His church, dress appropriately for worship. We taught them that the Bible is the most important book in the world and that it should rule every aspect of their lives.
Thanks to the suggestion of my wise and beautiful wife Judy, I have made an INTENTIONAL effort to spend one-on-one time with each of my children. These weekly "dates" with my kids have become the highlight of my life. I have plenty of opportunity to be a good pastor or a worthwhile employee. But I have only one shot at being a good father to each of my children. Keeping their hearts is challenging in today's world. And when daughters get closer to the age of getting married, it is even more difficult. But for the moment I have their hearts. And by God's grace I will keep them.
I go shopping with my daughters. (I almost wish purgatory were real because I'm sure I'd get time off from purgatory every time I went shopping at a non-hardware store just for the purpoes of fellowship. But I still have a payback in what it means to them. I'm not big on shopping, but I love spending time with my daughters.) My youngest son and I work out together with a personal trainer. It is just the 2 of us with our trainer in a small gym. That protects his eyes from the defraudingly dressed women in a regular gym. And it gives him "man-time" with his Dad.
I don't get to spend as much time with my married children. They have lives of their own. But I still cherish seeing my eldest daughter every Tuesday when she comes to our house. And I enjoy going to the gun range or racquetball court with my eldest son. And every Sunday I have the unique privilege of seeing all 10 of my children (the 8 the Lord initially gave us + 2 He has added to our family through marriage) and my 3 grandchildren in church together. It fills my soul with joy on a weekly basis.
Rick Wertz, founder of Faithful Fathering, spoke at our church on the same day as I preached this sermon. Rick's presentation is available as MP3 on (www.sermonaudio.com/rrohlin), passed out a quiz. The quiz gave you an opportunity to rate your fathering heritage. It asked 5 simple questions where you rated your father on a scale of 1 to 5. The questions addressed three characteristics of what Rick says constitutes an effective father:
He is a spiritual leader to his family (cultivates reverence for God)
He is emotionally connected to his family (keeps their hearts)
He is physically present with his family (spends time with them)
Isn't in amazing how he addresses the same three areas as my 3-legged stool?
Let me be the first to acknowledge that the greatest secret of parenting success is that I married the woman God chose for my wife. Without her, my entire life would be a tragic waste. She has enabled me to serve God and others. And she is the world's most amazing Mom. That is no doubt why other mothers call her on a near-daily basis for counsel and advice. Judy is known for her simple advice like this classic on how to deal with hurt feelings: "Love, forgive, go on."
I think it is possible to be a successful parent without fully understanding how to parent. The Holy Spirit of God can lead you to do the right things without being able to articulate it. However, I believe the most effective parents are the ones who are INTENTIONAL in their parenting. When they discover the keys to parenting success they make an intentional effort to build those things into their lives. May God bless you to be an intentional parent.
Begin by teaching your children the fear of God. Then spend time with them. Ask them questions about what is going on in their hearts. Determine if they are facing any of the 5 battles for the soul. Then hug them. Love on them. Dispel anger from your home and your character. Love your spouse and let your kids see that. Quit being snappy and irritable. Demonstrate the patient love of Christ first to your own family.
I can't guarantee that will bring success. Children still have their own will and can still make bad decisions. But I can guarantee that if you don't put the 3-legged stool into action, you are much more likely to fail. God wants your children to not only bless others. He wants you to enjoy your children. He wants you to be blessed by them.
To my children, thank you for being my blessings. You are God's gift to me and your mother. Honor Him all the days of your life. Thank you for letting me be your Dad.
Many times in the last 34 years of ministry, I've preached on the letters to the 7 churches from Revelation 2-3. The reproofs seem to fit things and situations in every church. But something is different about this time. God really spoke to my heart and pointed out that long before you get to the letters, there is a significant pause to ponder the Author of those letters -- Jesus Christ. John begins by extolling him, then worshiping him, and then being in his manifest presence.
I believe that if we lived in the presence of Christ, the reproofs given in 6 of those 7 letters would not be needed. I also think it is significant that the first imperative verb in Revelation directed at the readers is "Behold" -- meaning to look upon or gaze upon. Similarly in Hebrews, the first imperative verb directed at the readers specifically is to "Hearken" or "Hear and obey." Our focus should be less on arguing the fine points of theology and instead to gaze upon Christ, to worship Him, to hear His Word, and obey it and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
I still intend to get to the letters to the 7 churches. But I truly believe that we must first just pause and gaze upon Jesus.
On a business trip to Alaska, I met a lady who had the same first name and birthdate of my wife. We talked in our hotel lounge for a while and I discovered that her husband had undergone a kidney transplant. With my own brother-in-law needing that same surgery I asked a lot of questions about her husband's dialysis and his transplant and how he was doing. She gave detailed information -- it was like having a seminar on the whole process for which I was most grateful.
The most startling bit of news was that she tried to donate her kidney to her husband because they had the same blood type. But the transplant center would not even test her to see if she was a good match because her body-to-mass index (BMI) was too high. So out of lover for her husband, she lost 70 lbs. in 9 months. She then qualified for testing and they discovered that she was a match in every way but that her kidneys were too small for her husband. If they transplanted her kidney in to her husband, it would have lasted only 2-3 years. Fortunately, God sent a friend who offered his kidney and was a match and her husband is now doing fine.
But 70 lbs. in 9 months? That is fantastic. And I could tell by looking at this woman that she kept the weight off for good. How was she able to do this? Diet and exercise were both big factors, but neither would have worked without the motivation she had of wanting to save her husband's life.
My own weight has gone back up since a car accident forced me to go for 4 surgical procedures to my spine. (A young girl texting ran into the back of my vehicle at about 30 mph because she couldn't be bothered to look up and see me at the stop light.) So I need now to get back down to my ideal weight and need to hit the gym 5 days / week to do it. But finding the movtivation can be difficult -- especially when you're still hurting.
Motivation is the key. It is certainly the key for holy living. Peter gives us 3 motivations to live a holy life. The first of these is most special to me -- it is the love of our heavenly Father. My own kids are precious to me. Two of my 8 children have expressed in written notes that their greatest fear in life was of doing something that displeased me. Why? Because they have always had my love and approbation and they didn't want to lose it.
More than anything else, I want to have that same spirit toward my heavenly Father -- so that I would never want to do anything to displease Him. He has given me every good thing in my life. My wonderful wife of more than 35 years, my 8 wonderful children, a nice home, a good job, a wonderful ministry. And a thousand other blessings....
Father, I do love you and I don't want to displease you today. May you remain in my thoughts and may I ever be aware of your presence watching what I do and hearing what I think. As my Father, may you be pleased with the way I live today. Amen.
I've had a lot of bosses / managers in my secular career and with only a few exceptions, they have been great bosses who became my friends. I had one boss that just had no credibility -- you knew he was lying if his lips were moving in front of a customer. But I had a few bosses that were good people but drove me crazy because they micro-managed the assignments they gave to me.
There is a lot of preaching in conservative churches about how wives should submit to their husbands. There is far less preaching on Paul's instruction in Ephesians 5:21 about how we are to submit to one another. Scriptural truths taken out of balance lead to heresy. And there is a lot of out-of-balance teaching about a wife's submission to her husband.
At about 37:30 into the message "Power of a Fearful and Fearless Wife," we look at a verse in Proverbs that distinguishes between the "commandments of the father" which are picutred as a lamp and the "laws of the mother" which are pictured as a light. The lamp, of course, is the source of the light. Fathers / husbands are to set some principles that guide the family, but the mother has the responsibility to figure out how to best implement those principles wtih schedules, routines, and rules in the household. For example, the husband can set a principle that the house should be free of clutter and that each morning should begin with an uncluttered house. The wife should set a schedule, for example, that has the children cleaning up at 8:30 p.m. every night before they go to bed. And she might need a once monthly clearing of each room in the house to dispose of un-needed items to take and donate to charity in order to prevent the inevitable accumulation of clutter. (Do you really need 40 coffee cups for a family of 5?)
Problems occur when a husband tries to micro-manage the wife by telling her precisely where things should go, precisely how many of a particular item to have, or precisely when to do certain tasks. This kind of micromanagement assumes that the husband's ideas on how things are to work will automatically work with the wife's personality. But that usually isn't true. The wife has a different spiritual gift and a different way of thinking from the husband. When men micromanage their wives, these ladies feel that they are not valued or trusted.
It may be that sometimes a husband needs to offer some counsel and course correction. But it should be in the form of more general instruction. For example, he could say, "Honey, I notice that our kitchen cabinets aren't closing properly and the shelves are sagging. Could you take some time to declutter the cabinet where the cups and glasses are this week?" That is better than telling her that she can only have 7 coffee cups and 14 glasses and that they should be on the left side of the cabinet closest to the refrigerator. Guys, try to give general encouragement and counsel, rather than overly-detailed instructions which frustrate your wife.
And guys, remember to praise every form of progress in your wife and children. You get more of what you praise. And our wives respond much better to praise and encouragement than they do to criticism and micromanagement.
Make sure you listen to this message in whole -- or at least beginning at 37:30 for some extremely practical counsel that will help to alleviate conflicts in your family.
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