'Tell Rev. Mahon we are honoring the baby Jesus on His birthday by spanking our children." My good friend sent me this text Christmas morning. His grandchildren were being selfish and unruly so the parents quickly took matters in hand. They had attended the Family Discipleship Seminar and done the workbooks. As they took the children into the bedroom his daughter called this out to him which he dutifully followed through on.
Since I am giving the Family Discipleship Seminar here in Edmond, Oklahoma this weekend I thought I would post a section from the seminar as my blog. This has to do with the correct way to discipline our children...
A. How To Do It Right The First Time
There are some times when you are writing that people want lots of words, lots of illustrations, cute stories and explanation. They feel cheated if there are not lots and lots of words. Other times, it is best to cut to the chase and give them the goods. I feel that this is one of those times. I am sure you will overlook the abruptness of this section in exchange for the information being more easily retrieved and used.
The sequence of all discipline for our children is Instruct - Discipline - Instruct - Restore. What follows are helpful "how tos" in applying this to your children (age 12 and under).
1. Act immediately and at once without reference to environment or convenience.
This is an inconvenience to the parent, but crucial in the disciplining of the child. The objective is to teach the child the wisdom of obedience early in life, as opposed to the alternative of teaching the child when disobedience will be tolerated early in life, and then trying to undo this later. Ease of child raising is a definite side benefit to biblical discipline, but it is not the immediate result. The immediate result is inconvenience. The long-term result is ease and convenience. The long-term goal is wisdom and life training for the child’s success. Thus, discipline immediately, irrespective of surroundings or timing.
The only exception to this is baby-sitters. We always told our baby-sitters to let us know how things went. Like all baby-sitters, they dutifully answered, “Fine”. With this nicety out of the way, we had a frank talk with them. We really liked them to baby-sit, and we really liked our date night out. If our children misbehave, they will not want to baby-sit and we will not get to go out. More important than that, as Christians, it is very important for us that our children obey authority. We do not want you to discipline them, but we do want to know and we will handle it. After this little speech, we will very often get the truth. If the children were rebellious or disobedient, we wake them up and discipline them that night, no matter how late.
2. Have the child look you squarely in the face.
“I wish my parents had done that.” I looked up at Glen, a little surprised. Glen was a college student in our ministry. He was older and more confident than the other guys, having served first in the military. He was sitting at the table with me when Sam had come in to ask a question. I had Sam speak to Glen, ask a few civil questions, all the while looking him in the eye. Sam was about four at the time.
Glen went on to share that it was not until he entered the military that he gained the confidence and skill to speak directly to people, especially people in authority. He shared from his heart how he wished he had been given that skill as a young boy, instead of having to wait until he was an adult.
The child must look you in the eye and concentrate upon what is being said. All of my children have, at one time or another, commented upon the response adults give them in return to their being able to look them in the eye. They are uniformly treated with more respect and taken more seriously. I can remember while disciplining them, touching my eye and saying, “Look me in the eye.” as their eyes would wander.
This was great training for later in life. Judge Lewis was good at Bible study and a nice guy but he could not look you in the eye. This had affected both his career and his ministry, and reinforced my resolve to give my children this important skill.
3. Communicate clearly to the child about the infraction on his level
Many parents make the mistake of not communicating with the child at the child's level. Here is an example... Connie was so disappointed in little Heather. She had mentioned more than once to the little toddler the importance of staying away from the plants. Now Heather had once again pulled over her favorite potted plant
Mommy says: “Heather, that really disappoints Mommy. You know I have told you not to touch the plant. You know that is wrong. Don’t do that any more. If you do it again, I am going to have to discipline you and that makes Mommy sad.”
Heather hears due to her limited vocabulary: “Heather, blah, blah, blah, Mommy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah plant. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah., blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, Mommy blah.”
a. Sequence for toddler:
Mommy says: “No, Heather,” pointing to plant. “No, plant is spank.” “No, Heather, spank.”
Heather hears: “No, Heather,” sees Mommy pointing to plant. “No, plant spank… No, Heather, spank.”
b. Sequence for three-year-old, or child who can handle sentences:
Mommy: “What did you do?”
Heather: “Played with plant.”
Mommy: “What did Mommy say?”
Heather: “No.” (begins to choke back cry)
Mommy: “What is that?”
Heather: “No.”
Mommy: “OK, then what happens when you disobey?”
Heather: “Spank.” (Begins to cry openly.)
Mommy: “OK, then why are you going to get a spanking?”
Heather: “Did not obey. Touched plant.”
Mommy: “Say, I will obey Mommy quickly the first time.”
Heather: “I will not touch plant.”
Mommy: “No, say, ‘I will obey Mommy quickly the first time.’”
Heather: “I will obey Mommy quickly the first time.”
Mommy: “OK, now lie on your bed and put your hands on your cheeks.” (Then, administer the discipline in a controlled manner. The child must understand the issue and learn from it without worrying about you.)
4. Administer discipline quickly and sharply
Proverbs 13:24 "He who withholds his rod hates his son , But he who loves him disciplines him diligently."
Proverbs 23:13-14 "Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod , he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol."
The only reason you should put it off is to calm down if you feel you are losing your temper. You should never wait until you are angry to discipline. If you are angry, then you are not disciplining the first time you are disobeyed. The spank should be…
a. A sharp stroke which definitely stings the child and gets his attention the first time
b. In an isolated spot
The child should not be humiliated nor should you give opportunity to social-agenda fanatics who will take it upon themselves to interrupt you or tell you off. At home, if other children are present, choose a place which will be isolated. This is not entertainment for the other children. The correct response for the other children is sorrow that their best friend is in trouble. In public, return to the car or find an empty rest room if possible.
c. In a controlled manner (both parent and child)
The child should be concentrating on the infraction and the desired change in behavior, not on what Mommy will do next. Equally true, the child should be concentrating on the infraction and change, not on ways to manipulate or punish Mommy by screaming, kicking and throwing a temper tantrum.
d. In a predetermined and set manner
The stroke of the rod should fall on the fleshy part of the child. The best place is the buttocks. Diapers make this a poor choice unless they are removed. If not, the fleshy part of the back of the thigh is fine. In some cases, where the hand is involved, the fleshy part of the biceps will suffice. Never, never, never strike a child in the face, on the back or on the head. Do not discipline on the shin, or where the bone is near the skin. Do not spank the hands or feet or anywhere that little bones exist or are forming. Never discipline without warning and explanation. Never discipline in anger. This is the difference between hitting and training. This is the difference between a coach and a judge.
With our children we would say, “Go to the bed room and put your hands on your cheeks.” We would follow shortly with the wooden spoon to administer one, two or three strokes. The children always knew what to expect from us and what we expected from them. My good friend Mike would have them go to the bathroom and put their hands down on the closed toilet lid and wait. Same principle, just a different method.
e. The stroke should be hard enough to hurt and to leave a red mark.
Patty could not understand why her child would not stay in bed even though she spanked her repeatedly. My wife discussed this on the phone, and Eleanor just could not believe the child would exchange this foolish behavior for the discipline of the rod. The next time, she had Patty leave the phone off the hook in the room while she spanked. The problem was plain. A wimpier whack you have never heard. El had Patty spank herself on the arm, “Harder," “No, still harder,” “Come on Patty, I said hard!” “Owww! Patty let out a yell.” “OK, Patty, now you have it.” Patty had the problem under control within the week.
f. After the discipline, reassure the child about the relationship
"He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends." Proverbs 17:9
"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25
“Dad, when I remember how you and Mom disciplined us, it really helps me understand how God forgives our sins.” My son Sam as an adult
After the discipline, allow the child to calm down, repeat the lesson learned, then after kissing, hugging and reassuring the child about the relationship, life should return to normal. No family purgatory, no constant reminders, no stony silence, no pouting on your part or the child’s part. Life picks up as normal and the family continues on. After a particularly rough time, a shared snack or drink or a short play time or story may be helpful. Many parents will ask me, "Isn't it confusing to the child for you on the one had to spank the child and on the other to be loving and affectionate with him?" I respond "No, what is confusing for the child is that he has admitted doing wrong, he has submitted to discipline, he has repented and yet it still is not enough." Restore the child immediately. That is how God loves you, that is how you should love your child and that is how your child will learn what it means to have a loving heavenly Father. |
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