In many modern churches, the family is barely acknowledged. The result is neglect. This creates a brand of church life where the family is not encouraged or nourished to be what it is meant to be. The resulting damage to the church is breathtaking. This direct relationship between church and family is the reason why it can be appropriate to use the term “family of families” in the same way that Swindoll, Baucham, Kostenberger, and the NCFIC have.

In Christ, we have more than one family: a biological family and a spiritual family. Both are our “real” families but they are different. For example, one is eternal while the other is temporal. Both are important and have distinct, yet complementary purposes.

The Church Family

The merciful work of the Lord Jesus Christ has made us part of a spiritual family (a big one). Our salvation has added to us many new spiritual fathers and mothers and brothers and sisters. Our love for our biological family becomes secondary to our love for Christ, for “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37).

The Biological Family

The merciful work of God has also put us in biological families who are under divine commands to function in a certain way. Children are born to be cared for by a father and a mother. A man is blessed with a lifelong partner who is given a particular role with important and beautiful duties. A woman is provided with a husband to nourish and cherish her and to give his life for her, as her lifelong protector and head.

I have had a number of conversations with people who seem to claim that since the true church is made up only of regenerate individuals, family relationships are eclipsed or recede in importance. In a sense this is partly true, but some take it to such an extreme that the family almost disappears. This is the point we want to attack with the “family of families” statement because it identifies a widespread theological misunderstanding. It shows that a biblical perspective on church and family life has been set aside in favor of a culturally relevant or pragmatic view. Because the modern church has so capitulated to ungodly, worldly philosophy, it has quit thinking biblically about church and family life. As a result, the biological family has done a disappearing act.

Even in churches where they claim to be “family friendly,” they still treat the family like “chopped liver.” It is as if the family does not exist. So much so that they constantly separate their families and send them in different directions on Sunday morning and every other night of the week. Many pastors functionally do nothing if fathers neglect their duty as spiritual shepherds in their families. It is as if fathers in families don’t exist. I think many Puritan pastors (who had a more biblical understanding of church and family life than we do) would blow a gasket if they saw the modern church where the only things that functionally exist are church programs. If Richard Baxter were alive today, he would say we should put fathers under church discipline if they do not shepherd their families.

Are family relationships nullified when you walk into the church? Is this what the Bible teaches?

A friend who has been following this controversy sent me some questions that help us think this through. They show that the church and family are different, play different roles, and yet neither of them disappear. He says these questions were designed to challenge the thought that somehow our familial relationships within the body of Christ weaken or destroy the institution of the family.

Questions That Show That Family Life Does Not Disappear in Church Life

1. Do you believe that membership in a local church dissolves the unique and God-given privileges and responsibilities between husband and wife?

   Why not? Would you be pleased if another man handed your wife a rose and a special note every Sunday? Why not? Do you have certain privileges and responsibilities toward your wife that are unique, or do you think that we should share them because the church turns us into mere individuals?

2. Do you believe that membership in a local church dissolves the unique and God-given privileges and responsibilities between parents and children?

   Would you be pleased if I removed your noisy toddler from the service each week to spank him? Why not? Would it be appropriate for me to treat your son in exactly the same way as if he were my son?

3. Do you believe that family relationships take a vacation when among the family of God?

   Should such relationships as those that exist within the biblically-ordered family take a hiatus when we gather as a church? How about your headship over your wife? Does it disappear? How about the obedience of your children? Are they obligated to obey the people in the church and disregard obedience to you as a parent? And if such relationships are redefined only in this particular context of gathering as a church, is there no perpetuity in my status as a brother to other believers throughout the remainder of the week? Does my daughter instantly become everyone else’s daughter?

4. Do you believe that Christ intended for the beautiful truths concerning the family of God to eradicate any of the unique and particular responsibilities towards earthly families?

   Aren't these truths concerning the family of God intended to demonstrate our love, care, and intimacy with fellow believers who share in one Spirit, one mind, one faith, one baptism, one Lord and Savior, rather than to excuse us from domestic responsibilities? And don't such truths reach far beyond the realm of the local church? And though our love for Christ should certainly transcend all other relationships, doesn't the list of those whom we should hate (by comparison to such love) include our very selves? Shouldn't we be careful to apply such truths in the manner in which God intended them? (Read Mark 7:6-13, 1 Tim. 5:1-16, Eph. 5:22-6:4)

5. What does your church directory look like?

   This same friend who sent me these questions wrote to me about a point his wife made over the dinner table. She said, “I wonder what their church directory looks like?" That’s actually quite telling, isn’t it? Indeed, have you ever seen a church directory where the names and/or pictures were not grouped by families? Why do you suppose that is?