So in that three year period, the Lord was dealing with me over my spiritual complacency. I went through an extended spiritual battle in that time that I will never forget. I gave myself to the study of the word and to prayer, but lacked the power to continue. The Christian life just seemed so fake. As I struggled to live the Christian life, failing repeatedly, I lost motivation to even try again. My conscience was aflame and I was riddled with guilt, but I had no power to perform. I began to become excessively lazy, lying in bed until 11 in the morning, seeing no reason to get up. When I got up, I would watch TV until it was time to slump into bed again. I had no reason to live and began to plan suicide.

This was the second time I had begun to plan suicide. The first time, I had been hindered when by God's grace, my brother Wayne turned up unexpectedly at exactly the right moment. While I was with my family at a church service, I sneaked out, knowing that my family would be there for at least the next two hours. I walked home in tears, intending to gas myself in my grandfather's pickup truck at home. When I came to the house, there was Wayne, sitting on the front porch. He had come home unexpected on his motorcycle and when he saw me, immediately understood that something was badly wrong. He asked me what was wrong and I was unable to speak because I was so emotional. While at that stage of his life, Wayne was very self-centred, at this moment he was so caring and I was won over by his display of kindness. After a while, he handed me the keys of his bike and suggested I go out for a nice long ride to clear my head. I did that, and by God's grace, the moment of death had passed. I am still grateful for His preservation on that day.

Years later, toward the end of this 3-year period, I was considering suicide again. Having been a paramedic for years, I understood more about the mechanism and ugliness of death. I remember going up to the top of a high building in Johannesburg one afternoon and running across the rooftop toward the edge of the building to see if I had the courage to jump. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and began to set my resolve to do it. I had chosen the day and the place and had concealed my plans from other people, even my dear wife Charleen whom I had married in 1993. I went to bed on the night I was to carry out my plan. As I woke, close to midnight, to sneak out of the bed and to make my way to the building, my mind was drawn again to my brother Wayne.