I know of couples who deeply desire children and are unable to have them. I also know of couples who waited for years and when all seemed hopeless, even after heartbreaking miscarriages, God gave them children. Either way, the inability to have children when the desire is present to do so can be a difficult strain on marriage, a trying test of faith, and paralyzing when facing other issues in life. There are real questions that couples face in these circumstances. I’d like to offer some hopeful counsel to couples in this situation by listing a few possible questions and answers that may arise. I wholeheartedly believe and trust that if we bring Scripture to bear on our concerns, we can find comfort and contentment. So here are a few Q and As.

Why do we have the desire for children if we are not going to be able to have a baby? The desire for children is a God-given, good desire. God created us to participate with Him in creation, to procreate. Having the desire for children, then, is a godly desire. Although we have godly desires, that does not necessitate their fulfillment. God is pleased when we desire His blessing of children but we must also know that God is all-wise. If He is withholding children from us, we must pray for the faith to believe and trust that He is working all things for our good. We must also guard against becoming enslaved to this desire to the point of being completely unsatisfied and unfulfilled unless we have a child. God’s gifts, whether given or withheld, are meant to lift our eyes to Him in praise not to turn our hearts away from Him in unbelief.

Is it wrong to keep praying for a baby or having the desire for one when the answer seems to be “no”? I believe this comes down to the issue of contentment in Christ. So the answer is “yes” and “no.” It would be wrong to pray for a child and desire a child if becoming pregnant has captured your life and totally taken your focus away from Christ. If you refuse to be content with the many hundreds of other ways God daily blesses you, if you find yourself upset or angry with God for refusing your request, if you cannot rejoice with others who are blessed with children, if you feel as though life is void and empty unless you have a child of your own, it is time to get alone with God. When you reach this point in life, having a child is not the answer and will not solve anything. The answer is to return to the Fountain of Life. Return to Christ, and first find Him as He is, namely, all-satisfying. Learn, as Paul, to be content in all things. Seek Christ first. Then, you can rightly prioritize your desires instead of being controlled or enslaved by them.

However, if you are leaning upon Christ and rejoicing in His abundant graces toward you, then “no.” Praying and desiring to have a child is not wrong if you are able to trust, accept, believe, and live with God’s answer.

What is God doing? Why doesn’t He give us a child? Of course no one can definitively answer this question. The “why” to God’s answers often remain hidden. For example, why does God allow others to become pregnant? We don’t know the “why” there either. We only know that He does. On the other hand, there are some very real possibilities for couples to seriously pray over and discuss. (1) Maybe God would have you adopt a parentless child. Adoption is one of the more vivid, living demonstrations of salvation, and there are many children who need godly, loving homes. I would suggest to any Christian family that if they are unable to have children and yet deeply desire to raise children, adoption is the likely answer. But there are more answers to consider. (2) Maybe God is calling you to some form of ministry that requires your full attention, extensive travel, unusual hours, etc. (Matt 19:11-12) Maybe your ministry is helping others who are childless to continue in faith and joy in the Lord. Maybe God has a unique role for you to fulfill in His Kingdom work. (3) Maybe (assuredly) this is a time of teaching for you. A time for God to stretch your faith. A time for God to call you to return to your first love. A time to learn to trust, love, and be content in the Giver of all blessings. (4) If you are sure that #2 is not where God is directing and you have given sufficient prayer and consideration to #4, then I would return to #1! Adopting a child does not mean it is any less yours just as our adoption in Christ does not mean we are in any degree less than a child of God!

What about the desire to have a child, but “no” comes in the form of health issues or from one’s spouse? I believe this falls under the “two learning to become one” category of marriage. Whether health related or disagreement for one reason or the other from a spouse, this calls for couples to have open, honest, prayerful dialogue. Maybe one says, “I don’t care about the health risks.” Maybe one spouse says, “I don’t think we can afford another child.” Whatever the issue may be, the husband must take seriously the wife’s feelings, and the wife must seriously consider the husband’s concerns. There are no quick resolutions here. I would counsel couples to pray over the matter separately, pray over the matter together, schedule times where they can share with one another their feelings, concerns, understanding of God’s will, etc. Continue in patient, loving prayer and discussion until both partners can be a rest with a decision. Don’t put it off. Don’t make demands and ultimatums. Don’t “plan” a “surprise” pregnancy. All of those solutions are recipes for disaster. Reach a conclusion together in prayer and trust that God has led you both to it.